Potter's Clay

May Day

2009-06-04T13:36:00.003-04:00

Well we made it through Brinley's birthday again. She would be four and somehow I can picture that she would have been begging to ride the bus to school with Haley, learning to ride her bike with no training wheels, roughing her brother Nathaniel up one minute only to mother him the next. All things that I'm missing out on here but hope to catch up on one day in heaven.

Her birthday wasn't nearly as hard this year as last. I was super excited to help in planning a graduation party for a friend of mine. When the date was decided Eric took one look at it and mentioned that we couldn't because it was Brinley's birthday. I know that he was trying to protect me from something that had potential to be difficult but I reminded him that we can't let life stop forever even on those special days. As we packed up the kids and some food for the party I was so thankful for the decision that we made. Of course I missed making over her on her special day but spending my energy serving someone else for the day just made it easier. I believe wholeheartedly that God designed us that way. When we glorify Him through serving others, when we dwell less on our own situations, maybe it helps us to be a little less miserable.

Please be in prayer for my "blog friend" Kristy. I don't know how to link in my text but her blog is in the list on my sidebar. It is called "Waiting for Happy." This girl has spoken volumes to me in what it means to trust that God is faithful no matter your circumstances. I was thrilled to find out that she named her new baby girl Hope as we have plans to use that as a middle name for our impending arrival. I immediately wrote to her I was so excited to share. We chose that name because the words hope and joy are so tangible to our family now that we have lost a loved one. These words have new meaning to us, and so we continue to choose to search out hope and joy every day here in the meantime.

Brinley's Gift

2009-04-30T09:19:00.002-04:00

My husband and I had the opportunity to go to a very special ceremony this last weekend. It was a ceremony for the families of people who had donated organs this past year. I'm not sure I fully understood what the ceremony was all about until we got there and started looking over the program. I had originally thought that the group was just asking for permission to share Brinley's picture in a slideshow. It was so much more than that. The entire program was an effort to let the families know how valued their loved one's gift of organ donation was. There were brief testimonies of some who were organ recipients. One girl was 16 years old and one statement that she made really stuck out. She said that she truly knows what being thankful means. In a world that is so self-focused it is unusual for a teenager to grasp being truly thankful, but she does and I'm so thankful that she shared that with us. It made me feel like Brinley's donations were all worthwhile to someone.

I wasn't particularly thrilled about attending this event maybe in part because I knew that it would be emotionally draining to some degree. I was however holding it together fairly well until my husband shared something that he had been working through. He said that he was thinking about all of the award ceremonies that we expect to attend for all of the kids that this would be the only one for our girl Brinley. He was right and here I was not even wanting to go. Although it was certainly something that I had never anticipated going to in my lifetime I was so very proud of my girl when we were there.

I had someone ask me if it was a difficult decision to donate her organs. It is so hard for me to answer that. My thoughts continue to be that Brinley was a gift to us. I have always prayed that if anything my children are a blessing to other people. I don't care if they are popular, gifted, or athletically inclined. I just want for them to be a blessing so I have no choice but to share them with others. So to answer the question, it gives me comfort to know that even in her death Brinley was a blessing to someone else because I shared her.

12 Months

2009-03-23T09:22:00.003-04:00

What does this grief look like twelve months out? Well, I guess that there are days where it doesn't looks a whole lot different than when I first started out. Then there are days where as much as I still miss Brinley I feel that God has something in store for me... something beautiful, something lovely, if I just have the strength to walk through this pain.
Our church is studying the book of Ephesians and some of the scripture that our pastor discussed this week really hit home. As Christians we have spiritual powers that many in the church aren't aware of or just don't claim. I have to be honest, many times I find myself putting God in a box. I worry that the pain will get to be intolerable. At what point will I fall apart? When will the facade of healing shatter? More often than not I think that it boils down to me relying on my own strength to plow through this. Paul reveals a mystery to us in Ephesians 3: 14-16 and it has been resting heavily on my heart since yesterday.
"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in earth and heaven is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be STRENGTHENED with might through His Spirit in the inner man."
It is not my strength that carries me through this and what Christian wouldn't know that truth or at least acknowledge it? I know that God is bigger than me. What I'm not doing is relying on this revealed mystery. I'm not waking every morning praying for His Spirit to strengthen me before I even get out of bed. I don't have to worry whether I am strong enough or if I will be broken forever if I just pray for His strength to fill me.
So Brinley's "Heaven Day" passed us by the 13th of March. Sure enough true to everything I've read the days leading up to it are worse than the actual day. My family did our best to celebrate Brinley's life by sneaking away to the Great Wolf Lodge, a hotel with indoor water park. I made sure that there was a gift and note waiting for each of the kids "from Brinley" on her day. Yes it is difficult to know that my children are receiving a gift only because of her death. Sometimes I feel like it is a desperate attempt to help them remember their sister and love her even still, but I also desire for something sweet to come out of that day too.
When we came home I found a card in our mailbox letting us know that several dear friends had placed flowers and balloons on Brinley's grave for us. It might seem simple but it really meant a lot to us. For one thing, I have not been able to take things down to her grave. I don't decorate for the holidays. Part of me hates the fact that putting flowers on her grave is the only thing that I can do to care for her anymore. So I neglect to do it altogether and then when we arrive to her site I feel guilty that I didn't do anything for her. Having someone drive all the way into the city to do that for me was wonderful. My sweet friend shared with me that when she went down to place the arrangement she sat on the bumper of her car and just bawled. I was so thankful that she shared that with me. It validates every single bit of pain that I have felt this past year. It also made this mama's heart proud that others loved her and miss her too.
I'm sorry if this post seems all over the place. It might help if I were to get on here more but with being pregnant and caring for three small ones I don't seem to find the time. We did go to our 5 month ultrasound. As far as they can tell baby looks good but they also had a hard time getting a picture of all four chambers of the heart. My Dr. reassured me that he thinks that it is fine but that they want to do another ultrasound this next month. I know that I am not exempt from more heartache just because I have lost one child. So until then if you feel so inclined to pray with me for the Spirit to place His strength in me I would really appreciate it.
Also, I am not able to share a great deal about the man who hit Brinley last March, but I do know that he has endured a much harder year than I considered myself to have gone through. I just ask that if you think of me and my family at any point could you include him in your prayers as well? As strange as it may sound I worry over him.
Thanks so much to everyone who let me know that they were praying this last month. Your prayers were truly felt!

Approaching

2009-02-23T14:15:00.003-05:00

March is coming quickly. I'm not sure how we have gotten this far out from that day. It seems like the year has just been a whirlwind and then again like time stands still. I could use prayer over a few things. Please know that from the beginning of this journey there was not one thing that someone could say to us to make us feel an ounce better except for that they were praying for us.

So here goes: One, that we are able to find joy even though these coming weeks are full of memories of our last days with Brinley. Two, that I am able to think of something to do that honors her memory... even if it is something small. Three, that as the day approaches I am able to plan a sweet time to enjoy my family as they are now, not as I wish we could have been. Also that as I prepare my heart that I don't try to fill myself with a false sense of control. Four, one unspoken concern for the driver who hit Brinley. He has been heavy on my heart these last few weeks.

I'm not sure what March will look like until it is here. So whether or not I'm in a state of denial I just try to focus on today.

He Gives and Takes Away- But He Gives!

2009-01-29T14:46:00.008-05:00

Payton Corinne- 2 years

Brinley Yvonne- 2 years

My girls adore the older girls at church. It is no wonder since Eric and I used to help with the Jr. High group at church and we spent so much time with them. Haley once proclaimed that when she grows up she wants to be a Jr. High girl. She is five and wishes that she had a cell phone of her own, a facebook page, and wonders aloud if she will have braces one day. It is no surprise to me that we have pictures of my girls emulating some of their favorite Jr. High girls, Abby and Olivia, by snagging their glasses and posing. What did catch me off gaurd was the way that they look next to one another. The first is of my girl Corinne and the second is her sister Brinley. Oh how I have cried over that picture of my girl. It takes me back to such a carefree and happy time. I wanted it all back... the mousy little voice that carried through our house, the friendship that only sisters can provide one another with, one more little head of blonde hair to style before church... I miss it all.
What I see in these two little pictures are both great sorrow and great joy enmeshed. I prayed for many many months that God would give that boisterous two year old back to our family. And through my sadness I can see that this prayer will never be answered to my liking in this lifetime. Yet God does answer prayers. We do not have a two year old Brinley back in our arms, but we do have a lively two year old Corinne whose mannerisms and mousy voice so closely resemble her older sister. She will never replace Brinley but somehow she is taking us back to that place where we are carefree and happy once again.

I'm workin' on it

2009-01-11T12:22:00.003-05:00

It has been brought to my attention that I have never even mentioned my own name on my blog! Although I will always be Brinley's mama, I go by another name too. So I finally figured out how to make a signature! Now if only I could get around to figuring out how to make a button! It is on my "to do" list but not imperative as with so many things in my life now.
I was talking to a very dear friend of mine this morning. She spent a lot of time on me in the weeks and months after Brinley died. She listened to my deepest hurts, my anger, my rambling for as long and as often as I needed. In those early days one of my biggest fears was that my grief would be overwhelming to others. Yet she knew how to listen without judgement mostly because she spent time in the same boat that I am in. She lost her sweet girl the same year I welcomed my Brinley into this world. I did not know this girl before my own tragedy although I vaguely remember praying for her when the news of her loss was put on our prayer chain at church. I do remember praying for this sweet family and being so very thankful for mine. Who knew our paths would one day cross? Four different people asked her to contact me and I have a feeling that The Holy Spirit nudged her in my direction too. I'm so thankful that she listened.
When we spoke again this morning I was telling her about a recent book that I have read by Beth Moore, "Get Out of That Pit." This book spoke so much to me after losing Brinley. She directly addresses that sometimes we are just thrown into these deep pits. Not by anything that we have done or not done- just by life and Satan working so hard in this fallen world. She commented that we should make no mistake that the people who are thrown into these pits work daily just to climb out and then stay out. My first response in those early days was, "Hallelujah! There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, and God will restore me one day. I won't feel this despair forever!" However then I let satan work his way in somehow. Fighting to stay out of this pit? Seems a little daunting that I might have to do that for the rest of my life. What I want to know is: Will this struggle remain? This struggle to climb out of the pit? I am ten months into this grief thing and sometimes it still feels like I am at the bottom of the pit. Other times it feels like I have reached the top but I'm just clinging. I'm ok with this for a time but will it be this difficult forever? Will it always be a struggle to make that choice to stay out of the pit?

Happy New Year?

2009-01-04T15:59:00.003-05:00

I didn't write much in December did I? Not much of anything and a whole lot of everything happened this month too. I just can't decide if it was because I was too busy with the season or if I was too busy avoiding really thinking about the season without her. Maybe a little bit of both.
As much as I dreaded Christmas without our girl there was this other part of me that continually searched for joy. My God was faithful to provide! I'm certain that this was a choice. The more I focused on seeing other families celebrate their "normal" Christmases the more I hurt. But the more I focused on what I have been blessed with this December the more joy God placed in my heart! Make no mistake that this choice on what to dwell on is not easy-and sometimes I fail miserably. But I am doing my very best.
"Finally bretheren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things."
- Philippians 4:8
So what's news you ask? (Ann I know that you are going to kill me for not telling you this morning at church!) This month we found out that we are expecting again! I can't express how strange it is to know that this baby would not have been had Brinley lived. I know that there will be a bittersweetness that she will not be here to greet her new brother or sister again. But I also see the blessing in new life, the beauty from ashes, and the joy that my God continues to provide.

Not Me Monday

2008-11-24T09:13:00.002-05:00

This Week-
I did not catch my 8 month old boy making his way toward the dog food and stealthily putting a few pieces in his mouth...
Even worse than that I did not about lose it when I walked into the front room to find said 8 month old sitting next to some puppy poo, of which I was completely unaware of under the dining room table. I will leave the rest up to your imagination!
I did not drive around aimlessly in the car after putting my 5 year old on the bus because it was too cold and I was too lazy to get the two younger ones out of the car and into their respective beds... it was nap time anyway!
I'm sure I'll add more as I think of them. Or maybe I'll just save them for next week. I don't want to risk getting some sort of trophy for "world's worst mother."

The Missing

2008-11-19T10:31:00.002-05:00

Missing Brinley is always there. It will always be a part of me, I'm told that won't change. What causes me to miss her does change from week to week. I can't narrow down what it has been these past few weeks... maybe the weather changing, maybe the holidays quickly approaching. Part of me does get worked up over the idea that she won't be here our family's favorite time of year. But then there is this other part of me that is so pragmatic. If I can bear losing my child, birthing my son, Haley's birthday, my birthday and anniversary all in the same month, I can get through any other day- even Christmas. What I am not looking forward to are all of the family dynamics that don't subside during the death of a child much less the holidays. Pray for me that I am able to extend grace to people that I don't want to extend grace to!

So what else is new? We have taken Haley back to her grief support group. She is doing as well as a five year old can be expected I guess. We were experiencing her needing time to grieve and it would come up at places like church service. During worship songs I would look over and see her crying. She says that she remembers and misses Brinley most during the music. How excruciating it is to watch my child hurt, but at the same time what a blessing that she remembers Brinley best in that moment of worship.

Corinne is growing and reminding us so much of her big sister. Sometimes she acts so much like her that it is hard for me to remember Brinley as Brinley and to distinguish Corinne as a different person with her own unique personality. Corinne is at an age that Brinley will forever be in our hearts. There are new things that she is doing that are so very endearing to her father and me. We spent so much time talking about the presidential election in our home that she can even say Barack Obama. Although it sounds more like, "Bawka Bawka." Watching her two year old personality unfold has caused some heartache but so much more joy.

Nathaniel is a boy after my own heart. I have to admit that I was so angry with God for His timing when he was born. Angry that I didn't have that happy newborn time that I felt that I was entitled to. I know that he was a part of God's plan to keep our family moving forward. Apparently another part of that plan was to keep us busy and preoccupied with him as the kid has been very mobile since six months!

I have also been feeling this pressing need to honor Brinley's memory in some way. We have always had a heart for adoption and more and more the idea just seems so fitting. In a way I think that God made room in our family for a child who needs a home. My husband and I are embarking on the path to adoption. I can't tell you how excited I am that we are on the same page about this.

So that is where my family is right now. We are still hurting but living more in light of eternity. The economy is a bust and it seems to me like as a nation we are morally corrupt but I'm not scared. The end goal is at the forefront of my mind... it is so clear and I can hardly wait for the spectacular finish. In the missing of my girl I can't wait for heaven to come!

On a side note, I just wanted to thank the few of you who do read this blog for the encouraging comments. I am so thankful for the prayers that you lift up on our behalf.

A God Who Attends To Me

2008-10-20T11:47:00.002-04:00

I just spent most of the last hour crying out in the stillness of my house. It is rare for me to have this quiet time in the morning but obviously God knew that I needed it this morning. There are just these days where I feel like nothing has changed, no good has come out of Brinley's loss. I question and fight, "Do I want this change? Do I want to be refined?" Thank you very much God, but NO!
I read voraciously the stories of people who have suffered great loss and come through it changed and somehow better than before. I guess that part of me just longs to skip over the hard parts and get to the part where I am somehow better than before.
Psalm 66:10-12
"For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
But you brought us out to rich fullfillment."

There it was right in God's word for me this morning. He is testing me and I am promised that I will be refined and brought to rich fulfillment in the end. I will get there I guess it just feels so very far away and out of reach. Sometimes I feel like a part of me started this blog so that I could encourage others that they can get there. How naive I was because truly I just need that encouragement myself.

When Seasons Change

2008-10-08T10:15:00.005-04:00

The leaves are turning here Brinley, our first Fall without you. We are taking family pictures next week in these lovely colors and you will not be in them. I feel like God just spoke to me in this moment that the colors will be lovely in the pictures and they will serve as a reminder for us of you. I have been hoping that the trees will be beautiful. Now I have my confirmation. Looking back I can see how God has been faithful in those confirmations to me. Nathaniel was a boy just like he told me. The Spring was beautiful to remind me of the beauty in your life and that I would have beauty in my life even after your death too. And now I feel like I have been promised beautiful Autumn colors to grace our family pictures to remember that your life goes on Brinley. I miss you girl. I love you and as much as I wish you were here I know that God is using this to prepare our family for eternity just like He promised me shortly after your death.
On a different note God has been revealing to me lately that as bad as I think my circumstances might be at any given time there are still others with fresher pain, with harder trials, and some who don't even rely on the Lord to be on their side when the bottom falls out.
If you haven't found this blog: www.confessionsofacfhusband.com
I hope that you will check it out. They have been heavy on my heart lately.

Would I Change?

2008-09-29T10:06:00.009-04:00

I was looking over old photos this weekend and found a collection which I like to call, "A Photo-journalistic View of Brinley's Life." Pictures taken courtesy of her big sister Haley. Haley somehow figured out how to work our camera and snapped these shots instead of alerting me to the fact that her sister was coloring. It seems that along the way she has learned to take better pictures than I do.
At any rate, after coloring all over her face, Brinley stood proudly for a photo shoot such as in this picture...

Then in a flash her modeling career took a turn for the worse as I quickly became involved and shut down the production entirely...

First of all, I would like to say that I am certain that these photos are doctored in some way. I would never harp on my kids when it is obvious that I was being inattentive! You can even see that the tv is on in the background and it doesn't look like children's programming... but let's get back to the main issue here and that is the rule in our house that we color on paper not on ourselves!
Secondly, I would like to share that when Brinley first died and I was finally able to look at our pictures again I was heartbroken that I had yelled at her EVER much less to have it captured in snapshots. I think that that is the adversary's way of making me feel like a bad Mommy. Does he ever get to you in that way? He makes me feel just plain awful over the things that I would chose to do differently now that she is gone.
BUT here is where I see Jesus stepping in for me in a mighty way! I can look at these pictures now and smile at my girl remembering that she put such passion into everything that she did. O.k. maybe that is just a nicer way of saying that she was bull headed, but boy does it make me proud to be her Momma. I can look at these pictures and say that I gave her a beautiful little life while she was here... because we loved her to pieces and, yes, we even disciplined her too. Everything that we did made her who she was and I wouldn't have wanted her any other way.
Would I change the way that I was her Mom looking back... maybe, but I am choosing to focus on now. Those pictures spur me on to have more patience with my other babies. They remind me to enjoy the "messiness" of life instead of getting all worked up when things are not perfect. And they invite me to focus on how Jesus is working in my life rather than on my circumstances.

Not Me Monday!

2008-09-29T09:55:00.002-04:00

I did not just sit on the couch watching my children dance to an exercise workout program on t.v. that just wouldn't be me!

6 Months

2008-09-09T09:30:00.002-04:00

I don't understand how some days I am so much stronger than others. The 13th of the month is quickly approaching and it will have been 6 months since I last heard her sweet voice. My husband and I both notice that images of her are slowly fading and we are left with the most vivid memories being those that were caught on videotape. I can't close my eyes and hear her voice as well. I have to turn on the video to refresh my mind and hear her call for her mama. I am thankful that at least we have that. My husband relayed that someone who claims to be a "video editing expert" once quipped, "Who would want to watch unedited video of their children?" Maybe just those that have lost someone dear. We could sit and soak up hours of her on the screen grateful that we didn't edit out a laugh or a whine or the way she would twirl in dress-up clothes. Yet a strange part of me hates the videos and the cedar chest in my room full of her clothes and favorite items. I hate them because it is all I have left of my baby girl.
So some days I wake and all day long she is on my mind and I think of how lovely it must be for her in heaven. I think of how I can't wait to be there with her. I think about how I can live my life to please the Lord just so that I will hold her in my arms again. Some days I think on these things. And some days I can only think of how I miss her so.

A Little Bit of Learning

2008-08-27T23:08:00.002-04:00

I have always been one of those people who spend a good deal of time looking forward to the future, anticipating what will happen with my family... how my kids will grow, what vacations we will take, what kind of a house we would raise our family in. It wouldn't be far-fetched to say that I would often remark, "Won't it be nice when..." I look back now and think that maybe it was a little bit of a control issue. I truly liked to have everything planned out. I must have driven my husband nearly insane with revisiting our five and ten year plans over and over again. Sometimes I am surprised that he puts up with me, but I'm extremely thankful too!
So one of the hardest things through all of this has been getting a grip on not being in control at all. Completely recognizing that I am no where near in control of life's circumstances has changed me in more ways than one. I won't lie and say that this is the only reason that I tend to shy away from thinking about the future now. Of course I miss Brinley and a huge part of me has had a difficult time finding anything to look forward to after her death. I struggle daily with anticipating a joy filled life and yet knowing that she will no longer be a part of it. However... and here is the good part... I am realizing that the less I long for, or worry over, or try to envision what the future holds for me the more content I am in the moment. I am so thankful that I can sit with my children and love the time that we are sharing together in such a different way than I did before.
Enough of the heavy stuff... my family is going camping this weekend for Labor Day. I am beginning to wonder how we managed tent camping with three wee ones so many times last year. I did miss going this year but I didn't miss someone waking me because they had peed their sleeping bag as I had just dozed off to sleep. And of course it never fails with another one screaming halfway through the night because they aren't sure where they are. It always gives my heart a workout because I am certain that the high pitched alarm indicates that there is an animal of some sort that has made its way into our tent. For some odd reason it is awkward to face the rest of the campers the next morning when your children were the sole reason that the entire campground didn't get any rest! This year we have flashlights and I have explained that they are to be used to check out where they are if they wake in the middle of the night. And as my five-year-old so boldly describes, "So we don't freak out!" Yes this year we don't want anyone to "freak out."
Truth be told I am just grateful to get a chance to hang out with some friends and be away from the routine for a few days. Let's hope that I can enjoy "being in the moment" with my family this weekend... especially when I have to take a little one to pee in a portable toilet in the middle of the night!

A Sweet Day

2008-08-21T21:27:00.003-04:00

Today I had a wonderful glimpse of hope for my family's future. Just fyi during the grieving process it is almost impossible to think that one day you will look forward to anything ever again. Somehow the world becomes this bland place and you feel completely apathetic about everything... from what to have for dinner to who the next president will be. So when God leaves an impression on your heart and gives you something to look forward to once again you just cling to it. I have been praying that the Lord will give me a heart for adoption once again. After Brinley died and I delivered Nathaniel six days later, I can remember telling my good friend in the hospital room that Brinley made space for another child in our family. I was convinced that it would be the child that my husband and I always had intentions of adopting.
It didn't take long for me to feel completely apathetic about this life long dream. How could I expect anything more out of myself having just lost my love? I have been crushed feeling like things that were always so important to me meant so little. Today as I was driving my family home from an outing I just felt the Lord pressing me to think about what I might like for the future of my family. It didn't take long for me to discern that He was telling me not to fret so much, that He would light the fire again somewhere along the road of healing, and that adding to our family by way of adoption would be such a wonderful tribute to my sweet Brinley. So tonight I am just clinging to what He has promised me for the future and that one day I will be excited about it again.

From Letters to Brin

2008-08-13T18:36:00.000-04:00

8-13-08
My baby girl,
We are 5 months along in this journey of grief, in this journey of trying to make peace with the loss of you. I will say that through all of this knowing Jesus doesn’t make it easier but it does make it easier. I can feel that the pain is less intense for now. I can will myself (by the grace of God) to have a better day if only to make things better for Daddy and better for your sisters and brother. I try so hard to be a good Mom to them Brinley. I don’t ever want them to forget about you but I also don’t want them to say that I was never a good Mom for them because I lost you.
Brinley, your death has taught me that I know so little about the God that I serve. There is much that my human mind can’t fathom or even wrap my brain around. But loosing you has also taught me that what I do know about Him, I know well. I know that He has been faithful to our family. I know that He has provided for us and has a path for us and a purpose set before us. I know that no matter what that way may hold for us He is there with us and He is walking right along side of us. I am holding on that He has a reason for everything that He allows to happen.
I was telling someone just the other day that I have always identified with Moses’ Mother on some level and felt such compassion for her when your sister and I would read the part of the story where she obeys God and puts her tiny baby in a basket and lets go of him. Haley and I always did cry together over that even before you were gone. She has such a tender little heart. In that moment I can remember explaining to her that first Moses’ Mommy had to obey Him, even though it was so hard to do, but that after she obeyed God gave Moses back to her. I believe with all of my heart that God said to me, “You see, Brinley is in My hands now. Your job is to obey Me, I have faith in your faith, and when you do obey me I will give Brinley back to you just like I gave Moses back to his Mommy.”
I can do that Brinley, I can obey Him and follow Him not even because, but ESPECIALLY because if I do I know that one day you will be given back to me. Of all the things that I have learned this is the one thing that helps me most to keep my focus on Jesus. Sometimes I fall into bed at night and the only prayer that I can muster up is, “Lord thank you for getting me through this day. Thank you that it is over and that I am one day closer to heaven. Please let that day come quickly…that day where my entire family will be whole and completely healed.
I miss you my sweet, sweet girl. There isn’t a day, hardly a minute when I don’t look at your sisters and brother and see you in their face or their actions or laughter and play. Our newest struggle has been that we don’t know what you would be doing now. Would you be stepping up getting ready to be the big sister as Haley prepares for school in the Fall? Would we have gotten you a haircut by now? Would you be leading Corinne or following Haley around as they play? Would you like your new room? Would you be trying to carry Nathaniel around to comfort him when he cries? What would your personality look like in our family that is so very different now without you? Sometimes it is even hard to envision where you would fit in all of this. It is during those times that I close my eyes and try to remind myself that I cannot picture you here but I can try to picture you happy and healthy and perfect in the presence of the Lord.
I hope that you are proud of your Mama. For a long while I couldn’t write in any of our baby books because I knew that I wouldn’t get the chance to write in yours again. I struggled with guilt over not keeping up with them. Daddy tried to reassure me that my other babies would understand. It took almost everything in me just to pull them out and begin but I did with tears streaming down my face the entire time. Nathaniel had just gone to the Dr. so I was comparing everyone’s four months weights and I realized that I have one more comparison between you and Corinne (the two year check-up) before she will pass your age by. I don’t want for us to change Brinley. I don’t want for us to be people that you wouldn’t even recognize but it seems to be working out that way. I can’t freeze time and just skip to the end to be with you. At the same time it is just so painful that we are making all of these new memories that we don’t share with you. On some level I feel like I still haven’t figured out how to keep your memory alive while accepting that you won’t have a place in our new memories.
Will you be there Brinley when I put Haley on the bus for the first time? I wish I could know for sure. Do you get to see the same things that we marvel at as Corinne and Nathaniel grow like weeds? Do you get a chance to see your sisters and brother open up the gifts that I leave for them at the curb on special days? I let them think that they are sent from you. Do you see their faces light up when they see a gift from you? One day I am confident that I will know but until then I am hoping… Love, Mama

2008-06-26T09:19:00.004-04:00

Ok so I haven't had much time to get on here and write. My family is gearing up for a big move. We are buying a house that we have had our eye on for two years now. My heart and head are always playing catch up these days. I know that God has moved in a big way to provide this house for us but I would give it all back to have my sweet Brinley here with us. I am mustering up all that I can to be excited for this move but it is a struggle. I am constantly thinking about how much Brinley would have loved this adventure, sharing a new room with her two sisters, exploring in the woods behind the new house... I know that she would have wanted this for us, but I don't want it without her. I find myself feeling like I am somehow benefiting from her death and it turns my stomach because I would live in a tent just to have her by my side.
I'm reading an awesome book by Beth Moore called, "Get Out of That Pit." In the last chapter she describes that we should make no mistake that people are fighting daily to stay out of their pit and making a choice to rely on God instead. I just finished telling my husband last night that it was daunting and even scary to think that I would be fighting this battle for the rest of my life not to be in a pit. Choosing to wake up every morning and trust that God was going to get me through and not wallowing in my situation. Believe me I'd rather be wallowing sometimes! And then my good friend Rachael sent me an e-mail this morning telling me that she was searching God's word for His promises to her and she found Lamentations 3:22 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness." And then she said that she claimed it for herself and was praying over it for my family too. How amazing when God's word speaks! It was just what I needed to know that in my struggle God's mercy will be new every morning. I don't have to be afraid to make the choice to stay away from the pit because He is there to help me keep clear from it. I covet your prayers over my fight to stay out of that pit!

Day Interrupted

2008-06-16T08:57:00.002-04:00

We are moving. I am supposed to pack, take care of the kids, clean house. I'm not sure how to keep up because I'm not sure of where I should even begin. Daily tasks just seems so daunting. I put a load in the wash this morning and everything stood still when I saw an item of her clothing on top of the washing machine. I was going to have a baby the weekend after she died so like a good housewife I cleaned and washed everything. I did every piece of laundry the day before she died. I have nothing that smells like her. I just want to have one item that feels like her or smells like her. Her clothes are still in her drawers and hanging in the closet. Her last Christmas dress. Her "special panties" that we still wore in case of a nap time accident.
Most of her things are still right as they should be... but she isn't. And I'm supposed to pack them away.

My Beginning

2008-06-07T13:59:00.000-04:00

My husband has been encouraging me to tell our "story" in a blog spot. I have debated over whether sharing my simple thoughts would be of any help to anyone else or even myself for that matter. I can't help but be encouraged by all of the other faith-filled women that I have come across. So if my words and self-reflections let one person know that they are not alone... then I guess that it will be worth it for me.
My life has been by some people's standards much too easy. I grew up in a Christian home, went to college, married the man of my dreams, and began my family. I was blessed with three beautiful girls and was even able to stay home to care for them. I was also 6 days away from delivering our first baby boy. We were a busy little family. One thing that I will say about my husband and myself is that we truly enjoy our children. There is nothing that we would rather be doing then hanging out with each other. My life was perfect. I remember stopping once in a great while and taking inventory of everything that I was given in my life. It was then that I would quietly remark to God, "This is too perfect, too easy, too wonderful... something will eventually have to go wrong." And as I look at those words that I have just written I feel like it sounds horrid. Please don't mistake me for a complete pessimist, but I have never felt completely invincible in a sense.
On March 13th of this year, something did go terribly wrong. It was the first nice day of the year in our area. Although, my neighbors described me as a person who would take her kids out on any given day if it was remotely nice out. It was not unusual for us to be out even if it was not particularly nice. We were out bundled tightly in the snow, in raincoats in the rain, or even all four of us crammed into a baby pool if it was muggy and hot. But this day was beautiful. My girls were begging to go out front to play and ride bikes. After getting all three ready which is a task in itself, we headed out. We couldn't have been out more than 5 minutes when my second daughter Brinley who was weeks shy of turning three decided to ride her bike out into the street and sit right in front of our driveway. Living on a cul-de-sac off of a cul-de-sac I was not immediately full of panic. Although it was not unusual for my girls to ask to ride in the street while I watched it was unusual that Brinley went on without asking. As I opened my mouth to get on her for not asking in a typical motherly fashion. I saw the pick-up truck, that I had thought was parked and empty, begin to back up down the street.
Even as I am writing now I question what I did during those few seconds before the truck hit her. Do I remember screaming for the driver to stop? Did I begin running down the driveway immediately to save my girl? Did I completely freeze and think from my view that the driver would possibly miss her? What if I had only done this or that? It causes a lot of turmoil within me that I can't remember it clearly enough to pardon myself. But in the last few months (along with many kind words from others) I have come to the realization that if I truly believe that my God is soveriegn then there isn't room for the "what ifs" in my life. If my Lord is soveriegn and in control of everything then it doesn't matter what I did or did not do. He was in control. And although this is not erasing the pain of losing my baby girl it brings me some peace. Can I tell you how thankful I am today that even though I don't have the ability to pardon myself in this horrible situation there is One that I can look to who pardons me daily?
When I ran to Brinley in the street that morning I placed my hands on her and pleaded for healing. I did not know at the the time that her complete healing would be in heaven. My sweet girl was life-flighted to the hospital. As her father and I raced to get to her side I can remember telling a neighbor that I would not be okay if something happened to her. And yet, as we were driving I was silently singing the doxology in my head:

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Praise God all creatures hear me low.
Praise Him all ye heavenly hosts,
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost."

When I look back I am amazed at how appropriate that song was. At the time I thought that it was the only song that I could remember or even bring to mind. It was the first hymn that my Father taught me to memorize as a child. I firmly believe that God put that song on my heart that day for a reason. In the very midst of what felt like my perfect life was crashing down around me, I was praising God for the blessing that Brinley had been in my life!

Now that I have taken the time to begin I am excited to share more of what I will learn on this life's journey with you. Please pray for me that I can focus on the promises that God has made to me and each of you. Pray that I can keep my eyes on Jesus.