Approaching

March is coming quickly. I'm not sure how we have gotten this far out from that day. It seems like the year has just been a whirlwind and then again like time stands still. I could use prayer over a few things. Please know that from the beginning of this journey there was not one thing that someone could say to us to make us feel an ounce better except for that they were praying for us. 

So here goes: One, that we are able to find joy even though these coming weeks are full of memories of our last days with Brinley. Two, that I am able to think of something to do that honors her memory... even if it is something small. Three, that as the day approaches I am able to plan a sweet time to enjoy my family as they are now, not as I wish we could have been. Also that as I prepare my heart that I don't try to fill myself with a false sense of control. Four, one unspoken concern for the driver who hit Brinley. He has been heavy on my heart these last few weeks.

I'm not sure what March will look like until it is here. So whether or not I'm in a state of denial I just try to focus on today. 

He Gives and Takes Away- But He Gives!

Payton Corinne- 2 years

Brinley Yvonne- 2 years

My girls adore the older girls at church. It is no wonder since Eric and I used to help with the Jr. High group at church and we spent so much time with them. Haley once proclaimed that when she grows up she wants to be a Jr. High girl. She is five and wishes that she had a cell phone of her own, a facebook page, and wonders aloud if she will have braces one day. It is no surprise to me that we have pictures of my girls emulating some of their favorite Jr. High girls, Abby and Olivia, by snagging their glasses and posing. What did catch me off gaurd was the way that they look next to one another. The first is of my girl Corinne and the second is her sister Brinley. Oh how I have cried over that picture of my girl. It takes me back to such a carefree and happy time. I wanted it all back... the mousy little voice that carried through our house, the friendship that only sisters can provide one another with, one more little head of blonde hair to style before church... I miss it all.
What I see in these two little pictures are both great sorrow and great joy enmeshed. I prayed for many many months that God would give that boisterous two year old back to our family. And through my sadness I can see that this prayer will never be answered to my liking in this lifetime. Yet God does answer prayers. We do not have a two year old Brinley back in our arms, but we do have a lively two year old Corinne whose mannerisms and mousy voice so closely resemble her older sister. She will never replace Brinley but somehow she is taking us back to that place where we are carefree and happy once again.

I'm workin' on it

It has been brought to my attention that I have never even mentioned my own name on my blog! Although I will always be Brinley's mama, I go by another name too. So I finally figured out how to make a signature! Now if only I could get around to figuring out how to make a button! It is on my "to do" list but not imperative as with so many things in my life now.
I was talking to a very dear friend of mine this morning. She spent a lot of time on me in the weeks and months after Brinley died. She listened to my deepest hurts, my anger, my rambling for as long and as often as I needed. In those early days one of my biggest fears was that my grief would be overwhelming to others. Yet she knew how to listen without judgement mostly because she spent time in the same boat that I am in. She lost her sweet girl the same year I welcomed my Brinley into this world. I did not know this girl before my own tragedy although I vaguely remember praying for her when the news of her loss was put on our prayer chain at church. I do remember praying for this sweet family and being so very thankful for mine. Who knew our paths would one day cross? Four different people asked her to contact me and I have a feeling that The Holy Spirit nudged her in my direction too. I'm so thankful that she listened.
When we spoke again this morning I was telling her about a recent book that I have read by Beth Moore, "Get Out of That Pit." This book spoke so much to me after losing Brinley. She directly addresses that sometimes we are just thrown into these deep pits. Not by anything that we have done or not done- just by life and Satan working so hard in this fallen world. She commented that we should make no mistake that the people who are thrown into these pits work daily just to climb out and then stay out. My first response in those early days was, "Hallelujah! There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, and God will restore me one day. I won't feel this despair forever!" However then I let satan work his way in somehow. Fighting to stay out of this pit? Seems a little daunting that I might have to do that for the rest of my life. What I want to know is: Will this struggle remain? This struggle to climb out of the pit? I am ten months into this grief thing and sometimes it still feels like I am at the bottom of the pit. Other times it feels like I have reached the top but I'm just clinging. I'm ok with this for a time but will it be this difficult forever? Will it always be a struggle to make that choice to stay out of the pit?

Happy New Year?

I didn't write much in December did I? Not much of anything and a whole lot of everything happened this month too. I just can't decide if it was because I was too busy with the season or if I was too busy avoiding really thinking about the season without her. Maybe a little bit of both.
As much as I dreaded Christmas without our girl there was this other part of me that continually searched for joy. My God was faithful to provide! I'm certain that this was a choice. The more I focused on seeing other families celebrate their "normal" Christmases the more I hurt. But the more I focused on what I have been blessed with this December the more joy God placed in my heart! Make no mistake that this choice on what to dwell on is not easy-and sometimes I fail miserably. But I am doing my very best.
"Finally bretheren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things."
- Philippians 4:8
So what's news you ask? (Ann I know that you are going to kill me for not telling you this morning at church!) This month we found out that we are expecting again! I can't express how strange it is to know that this baby would not have been had Brinley lived. I know that there will be a bittersweetness that she will not be here to greet her new brother or sister again. But I also see the blessing in new life, the beauty from ashes, and the joy that my God continues to provide.

Not Me Monday

This Week-
I did not catch my 8 month old boy making his way toward the dog food and stealthily putting a few pieces in his mouth...
Even worse than that I did not about lose it when I walked into the front room to find said 8 month old sitting next to some puppy poo, of which I was completely unaware of under the dining room table. I will leave the rest up to your imagination!
I did not drive around aimlessly in the car after putting my 5 year old on the bus because it was too cold and I was too lazy to get the two younger ones out of the car and into their respective beds... it was nap time anyway!
I'm sure I'll add more as I think of them. Or maybe I'll just save them for next week. I don't want to risk getting some sort of trophy for "world's worst mother."

The Missing

  Missing Brinley is always there. It will always be a part of me, I'm told that won't change. What causes me to miss her does change from week to week. I can't narrow down what it has been these past few weeks... maybe the weather changing, maybe the holidays quickly approaching. Part of me does get worked up over the idea that she won't be here our family's favorite time of year. But then there is this other part of me that is so pragmatic. If I can bear losing my child, birthing my son, Haley's birthday, my birthday and anniversary all in the same month, I can get through any other day- even Christmas. What I am not looking forward to are all of the family dynamics that don't subside during the death of a child much less the holidays. Pray for me that I am able to extend grace to people that I don't want to extend grace to!

  So what else is new? We have taken Haley back to her grief support group. She is doing as well as a five year old can be expected I guess. We were experiencing her needing time to grieve and it would come up at places like church service. During worship songs I would look over and see her crying. She says that she remembers and misses Brinley most during the music. How excruciating it is to watch my child hurt, but at the same time what a blessing that she remembers Brinley best in that moment of worship.

  Corinne is growing and reminding us so much of her big sister. Sometimes she acts so much like her that it is hard for me to remember Brinley as Brinley and to distinguish Corinne as a different person with her own unique personality. Corinne is at an age that Brinley will forever be in our hearts. There are new things that she is doing that are so very endearing to her father and me. We spent so much time talking about the presidential election in our home that she can even say Barack Obama. Although it sounds more like, "Bawka Bawka." Watching her two year old personality unfold has caused some heartache but so much more joy.

  Nathaniel is a boy after my own heart. I have to admit that I was so angry with God for His timing when he was born. Angry that I didn't have that happy newborn time that I felt that I was entitled to. I know that he was a part of God's plan to keep our family moving forward. Apparently another part of that plan was to keep us busy and preoccupied with him as the kid has been very mobile since six months!

  I have also been feeling this pressing need to honor Brinley's memory in some way. We have always had a heart for adoption and more and more the idea just seems so fitting. In a way I think that God made room in our family for a child who needs a home. My husband and I are embarking on the path to adoption. I can't tell you how excited I am that we are on the same page about this.

  So that is where my family is right now. We are still hurting but living more in light of eternity. The economy is a bust and it seems to me like as a nation we are morally corrupt but I'm not scared. The end goal is at the forefront of my mind... it is so clear and I can hardly wait for the spectacular finish. In the missing of my girl I can't wait for heaven to come!

  On a side note, I just wanted to thank the few of you who do read this blog for the encouraging comments. I am so thankful for the prayers that you lift up on our behalf.

A God Who Attends To Me

I just spent most of the last hour crying out in the stillness of my house. It is rare for me to have this quiet time in the morning but obviously God knew that I needed it this morning. There are just these days where I feel like nothing has changed, no good has come out of Brinley's loss. I question and fight, "Do I want this change? Do I want to be refined?" Thank you very much God, but NO!
I read voraciously the stories of people who have suffered great loss and come through it changed and somehow better than before. I guess that part of me just longs to skip over the hard parts and get to the part where I am somehow better than before.
Psalm 66:10-12
"For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
But you brought us out to rich fullfillment."

There it was right in God's word for me this morning. He is testing me and I am promised that I will be refined and brought to rich fulfillment in the end. I will get there I guess it just feels so very far away and out of reach. Sometimes I feel like a part of me started this blog so that I could encourage others that they can get there. How naive I was because truly I just need that encouragement myself.