Saturday, June 7, 2008

My Beginning

My husband has been encouraging me to tell our "story" in a blog spot. I have debated over whether sharing my simple thoughts would be of any help to anyone else or even myself for that matter. I can't help but be encouraged by all of the other faith-filled women that I have come across. So if my words and self-reflections let one person know that they are not alone... then I guess that it will be worth it for me.
My life has been by some people's standards much too easy. I grew up in a Christian home, went to college, married the man of my dreams, and began my family. I was blessed with three beautiful girls and was even able to stay home to care for them. I was also 6 days away from delivering our first baby boy. We were a busy little family. One thing that I will say about my husband and myself is that we truly enjoy our children. There is nothing that we would rather be doing then hanging out with each other. My life was perfect. I remember stopping once in a great while and taking inventory of everything that I was given in my life. It was then that I would quietly remark to God, "This is too perfect, too easy, too wonderful... something will eventually have to go wrong." And as I look at those words that I have just written I feel like it sounds horrid. Please don't mistake me for a complete pessimist, but I have never felt completely invincible in a sense.
On March 13th of this year, something did go terribly wrong. It was the first nice day of the year in our area. Although, my neighbors described me as a person who would take her kids out on any given day if it was remotely nice out. It was not unusual for us to be out even if it was not particularly nice. We were out bundled tightly in the snow, in raincoats in the rain, or even all four of us crammed into a baby pool if it was muggy and hot. But this day was beautiful. My girls were begging to go out front to play and ride bikes. After getting all three ready which is a task in itself, we headed out. We couldn't have been out more than 5 minutes when my second daughter Brinley who was weeks shy of turning three decided to ride her bike out into the street and sit right in front of our driveway. Living on a cul-de-sac off of a cul-de-sac I was not immediately full of panic. Although it was not unusual for my girls to ask to ride in the street while I watched it was unusual that Brinley went on without asking. As I opened my mouth to get on her for not asking in a typical motherly fashion. I saw the pick-up truck, that I had thought was parked and empty, begin to back up down the street.
Even as I am writing now I question what I did during those few seconds before the truck hit her. Do I remember screaming for the driver to stop? Did I begin running down the driveway immediately to save my girl? Did I completely freeze and think from my view that the driver would possibly miss her? What if I had only done this or that? It causes a lot of turmoil within me that I can't remember it clearly enough to pardon myself. But in the last few months (along with many kind words from others) I have come to the realization that if I truly believe that my God is soveriegn then there isn't room for the "what ifs" in my life. If my Lord is soveriegn and in control of everything then it doesn't matter what I did or did not do. He was in control. And although this is not erasing the pain of losing my baby girl it brings me some peace. Can I tell you how thankful I am today that even though I don't have the ability to pardon myself in this horrible situation there is One that I can look to who pardons me daily?
When I ran to Brinley in the street that morning I placed my hands on her and pleaded for healing. I did not know at the the time that her complete healing would be in heaven. My sweet girl was life-flighted to the hospital. As her father and I raced to get to her side I can remember telling a neighbor that I would not be okay if something happened to her. And yet, as we were driving I was silently singing the doxology in my head:
"Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Praise God all creatures hear me low.
Praise Him all ye heavenly hosts,
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost."
When I look back I am amazed at how appropriate that song was. At the time I thought that it was the only song that I could remember or even bring to mind. It was the first hymn that my Father taught me to memorize as a child. I firmly believe that God put that song on my heart that day for a reason. In the very midst of what felt like my perfect life was crashing down around me, I was praising God for the blessing that Brinley had been in my life!
Now that I have taken the time to begin I am excited to share more of what I will learn on this life's journey with you. Please pray for me that I can focus on the promises that God has made to me and each of you. Pray that I can keep my eyes on Jesus.


Amber said...

I just linked to your blog from the Nitty Gritty blog and wanted to comment to say how sorry I am for your loss of your beautiful little girl. This weekend we were at a hotel and while we chatted in the hot tub our 2 year old silently slipped under the water in a nearby hot tub. An Angel saw it happen and plucked him out before we even realized what happened. Your story flashed before my eyes. It is not your fault. We all are fallible, make mistakes, turn our heads, chat on the phone, let go of a hand, set them down at the wrong moment, forget to lock the door, forget to buckle them in their car seats, leave them where they can fall, forget to latch the gate, let them swim, let them play outside, let them ride bikes on the street, let them live...let them have fun...and yet Our Lord takes some of them and leaves some of them for a later time. We do not and will not know why. Your daughter is beautiful, she was on earth and she is in heaven. I do not even pretend to know what you are going through, but I just wanted you to know I read your blog and that you and your daughter have touched my heart. I am so glad you know Jesus and the Grace of our Great God. My prayers are with you.

amanda said...

I'm just starting to read your story--I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.

Your mentioning singing the Doxology reminds me of singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" in the shower, the morning of my daughter's funeral. I know that God put that song in my heart that morning.

Thank you for sharing.
(If you'd like to read my daughter's story, it's in the archives from Oct. 2006)

Jennifer-Colley said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Your strength has inspired me. As a new mommy I feel the same way you did. I have no idea what I would do if I lost my son! Its in those moments that God wraps his arms around us and comforts us.

Sarah said...

I just visited your blog for the first time and I just wanted to say I am incredibly sorry for your loss.