Monday, September 29, 2008

Would I Change?

I was looking over old photos this weekend and found a collection which I like to call, "A Photo-journalistic View of Brinley's Life." Pictures taken courtesy of her big sister Haley. Haley somehow figured out how to work our camera and snapped these shots instead of alerting me to the fact that her sister was coloring. It seems that along the way she has learned to take better pictures than I do.
At any rate, after coloring all over her face, Brinley stood proudly for a photo shoot such as in this picture...

Then in a flash her modeling career took a turn for the worse as I quickly became involved and shut down the production entirely...

First of all, I would like to say that I am certain that these photos are doctored in some way. I would never harp on my kids when it is obvious that I was being inattentive! You can even see that the tv is on in the background and it doesn't look like children's programming... but let's get back to the main issue here and that is the rule in our house that we color on paper not on ourselves!
Secondly, I would like to share that when Brinley first died and I was finally able to look at our pictures again I was heartbroken that I had yelled at her EVER much less to have it captured in snapshots. I think that that is the adversary's way of making me feel like a bad Mommy. Does he ever get to you in that way? He makes me feel just plain awful over the things that I would chose to do differently now that she is gone.
BUT here is where I see Jesus stepping in for me in a mighty way! I can look at these pictures now and smile at my girl remembering that she put such passion into everything that she did. O.k. maybe that is just a nicer way of saying that she was bull headed, but boy does it make me proud to be her Momma. I can look at these pictures and say that I gave her a beautiful little life while she was here... because we loved her to pieces and, yes, we even disciplined her too. Everything that we did made her who she was and I wouldn't have wanted her any other way.
Would I change the way that I was her Mom looking back... maybe, but I am choosing to focus on now. Those pictures spur me on to have more patience with my other babies. They remind me to enjoy the "messiness" of life instead of getting all worked up when things are not perfect. And they invite me to focus on how Jesus is working in my life rather than on my circumstances.

Not Me Monday!

I did not just sit on the couch watching my children dance to an exercise workout program on t.v. that just wouldn't be me!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

6 Months

I don't understand how some days I am so much stronger than others. The 13th of the month is quickly approaching and it will have been 6 months since I last heard her sweet voice. My husband and I both notice that images of her are slowly fading and we are left with the most vivid memories being those that were caught on videotape. I can't close my eyes and hear her voice as well. I have to turn on the video to refresh my mind and hear her call for her mama. I am thankful that at least we have that. My husband relayed that someone who claims to be a "video editing expert" once quipped, "Who would want to watch unedited video of their children?" Maybe just those that have lost someone dear. We could sit and soak up hours of her on the screen grateful that we didn't edit out a laugh or a whine or the way she would twirl in dress-up clothes. Yet a strange part of me hates the videos and the cedar chest in my room full of her clothes and favorite items. I hate them because it is all I have left of my baby girl.
So some days I wake and all day long she is on my mind and I think of how lovely it must be for her in heaven. I think of how I can't wait to be there with her. I think about how I can live my life to please the Lord just so that I will hold her in my arms again. Some days I think on these things. And some days I can only think of how I miss her so.