Ok so I haven't had much time to get on here and write. My family is gearing up for a big move. We are buying a house that we have had our eye on for two years now. My heart and head are always playing catch up these days. I know that God has moved in a big way to provide this house for us but I would give it all back to have my sweet Brinley here with us. I am mustering up all that I can to be excited for this move but it is a struggle. I am constantly thinking about how much Brinley would have loved this adventure, sharing a new room with her two sisters, exploring in the woods behind the new house... I know that she would have wanted this for us, but I don't want it without her. I find myself feeling like I am somehow benefiting from her death and it turns my stomach because I would live in a tent just to have her by my side.
I'm reading an awesome book by Beth Moore called, "Get Out of That Pit." In the last chapter she describes that we should make no mistake that people are fighting daily to stay out of their pit and making a choice to rely on God instead. I just finished telling my husband last night that it was daunting and even scary to think that I would be fighting this battle for the rest of my life not to be in a pit. Choosing to wake up every morning and trust that God was going to get me through and not wallowing in my situation. Believe me I'd rather be wallowing sometimes! And then my good friend Rachael sent me an e-mail this morning telling me that she was searching God's word for His promises to her and she found Lamentations 3:22 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness." And then she said that she claimed it for herself and was praying over it for my family too. How amazing when God's word speaks! It was just what I needed to know that in my struggle God's mercy will be new every morning. I don't have to be afraid to make the choice to stay away from the pit because He is there to help me keep clear from it. I covet your prayers over my fight to stay out of that pit!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Day Interrupted
We are moving. I am supposed to pack, take care of the kids, clean house. I'm not sure how to keep up because I'm not sure of where I should even begin. Daily tasks just seems so daunting. I put a load in the wash this morning and everything stood still when I saw an item of her clothing on top of the washing machine. I was going to have a baby the weekend after she died so like a good housewife I cleaned and washed everything. I did every piece of laundry the day before she died. I have nothing that smells like her. I just want to have one item that feels like her or smells like her. Her clothes are still in her drawers and hanging in the closet. Her last Christmas dress. Her "special panties" that we still wore in case of a nap time accident.
Most of her things are still right as they should be... but she isn't. And I'm supposed to pack them away.
Most of her things are still right as they should be... but she isn't. And I'm supposed to pack them away.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
My Beginning
My husband has been encouraging me to tell our "story" in a blog spot. I have debated over whether sharing my simple thoughts would be of any help to anyone else or even myself for that matter. I can't help but be encouraged by all of the other faith-filled women that I have come across. So if my words and self-reflections let one person know that they are not alone... then I guess that it will be worth it for me.
My life has been by some people's standards much too easy. I grew up in a Christian home, went to college, married the man of my dreams, and began my family. I was blessed with three beautiful girls and was even able to stay home to care for them. I was also 6 days away from delivering our first baby boy. We were a busy little family. One thing that I will say about my husband and myself is that we truly enjoy our children. There is nothing that we would rather be doing then hanging out with each other. My life was perfect. I remember stopping once in a great while and taking inventory of everything that I was given in my life. It was then that I would quietly remark to God, "This is too perfect, too easy, too wonderful... something will eventually have to go wrong." And as I look at those words that I have just written I feel like it sounds horrid. Please don't mistake me for a complete pessimist, but I have never felt completely invincible in a sense.
On March 13th of this year, something did go terribly wrong. It was the first nice day of the year in our area. Although, my neighbors described me as a person who would take her kids out on any given day if it was remotely nice out. It was not unusual for us to be out even if it was not particularly nice. We were out bundled tightly in the snow, in raincoats in the rain, or even all four of us crammed into a baby pool if it was muggy and hot. But this day was beautiful. My girls were begging to go out front to play and ride bikes. After getting all three ready which is a task in itself, we headed out. We couldn't have been out more than 5 minutes when my second daughter Brinley who was weeks shy of turning three decided to ride her bike out into the street and sit right in front of our driveway. Living on a cul-de-sac off of a cul-de-sac I was not immediately full of panic. Although it was not unusual for my girls to ask to ride in the street while I watched it was unusual that Brinley went on without asking. As I opened my mouth to get on her for not asking in a typical motherly fashion. I saw the pick-up truck, that I had thought was parked and empty, begin to back up down the street.
Even as I am writing now I question what I did during those few seconds before the truck hit her. Do I remember screaming for the driver to stop? Did I begin running down the driveway immediately to save my girl? Did I completely freeze and think from my view that the driver would possibly miss her? What if I had only done this or that? It causes a lot of turmoil within me that I can't remember it clearly enough to pardon myself. But in the last few months (along with many kind words from others) I have come to the realization that if I truly believe that my God is soveriegn then there isn't room for the "what ifs" in my life. If my Lord is soveriegn and in control of everything then it doesn't matter what I did or did not do. He was in control. And although this is not erasing the pain of losing my baby girl it brings me some peace. Can I tell you how thankful I am today that even though I don't have the ability to pardon myself in this horrible situation there is One that I can look to who pardons me daily?
When I ran to Brinley in the street that morning I placed my hands on her and pleaded for healing. I did not know at the the time that her complete healing would be in heaven. My sweet girl was life-flighted to the hospital. As her father and I raced to get to her side I can remember telling a neighbor that I would not be okay if something happened to her. And yet, as we were driving I was silently singing the doxology in my head:
My life has been by some people's standards much too easy. I grew up in a Christian home, went to college, married the man of my dreams, and began my family. I was blessed with three beautiful girls and was even able to stay home to care for them. I was also 6 days away from delivering our first baby boy. We were a busy little family. One thing that I will say about my husband and myself is that we truly enjoy our children. There is nothing that we would rather be doing then hanging out with each other. My life was perfect. I remember stopping once in a great while and taking inventory of everything that I was given in my life. It was then that I would quietly remark to God, "This is too perfect, too easy, too wonderful... something will eventually have to go wrong." And as I look at those words that I have just written I feel like it sounds horrid. Please don't mistake me for a complete pessimist, but I have never felt completely invincible in a sense.
On March 13th of this year, something did go terribly wrong. It was the first nice day of the year in our area. Although, my neighbors described me as a person who would take her kids out on any given day if it was remotely nice out. It was not unusual for us to be out even if it was not particularly nice. We were out bundled tightly in the snow, in raincoats in the rain, or even all four of us crammed into a baby pool if it was muggy and hot. But this day was beautiful. My girls were begging to go out front to play and ride bikes. After getting all three ready which is a task in itself, we headed out. We couldn't have been out more than 5 minutes when my second daughter Brinley who was weeks shy of turning three decided to ride her bike out into the street and sit right in front of our driveway. Living on a cul-de-sac off of a cul-de-sac I was not immediately full of panic. Although it was not unusual for my girls to ask to ride in the street while I watched it was unusual that Brinley went on without asking. As I opened my mouth to get on her for not asking in a typical motherly fashion. I saw the pick-up truck, that I had thought was parked and empty, begin to back up down the street.
Even as I am writing now I question what I did during those few seconds before the truck hit her. Do I remember screaming for the driver to stop? Did I begin running down the driveway immediately to save my girl? Did I completely freeze and think from my view that the driver would possibly miss her? What if I had only done this or that? It causes a lot of turmoil within me that I can't remember it clearly enough to pardon myself. But in the last few months (along with many kind words from others) I have come to the realization that if I truly believe that my God is soveriegn then there isn't room for the "what ifs" in my life. If my Lord is soveriegn and in control of everything then it doesn't matter what I did or did not do. He was in control. And although this is not erasing the pain of losing my baby girl it brings me some peace. Can I tell you how thankful I am today that even though I don't have the ability to pardon myself in this horrible situation there is One that I can look to who pardons me daily?
When I ran to Brinley in the street that morning I placed my hands on her and pleaded for healing. I did not know at the the time that her complete healing would be in heaven. My sweet girl was life-flighted to the hospital. As her father and I raced to get to her side I can remember telling a neighbor that I would not be okay if something happened to her. And yet, as we were driving I was silently singing the doxology in my head:
"Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Praise God all creatures hear me low.
Praise Him all ye heavenly hosts,
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost."
Praise God all creatures hear me low.
Praise Him all ye heavenly hosts,
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost."
When I look back I am amazed at how appropriate that song was. At the time I thought that it was the only song that I could remember or even bring to mind. It was the first hymn that my Father taught me to memorize as a child. I firmly believe that God put that song on my heart that day for a reason. In the very midst of what felt like my perfect life was crashing down around me, I was praising God for the blessing that Brinley had been in my life!
Now that I have taken the time to begin I am excited to share more of what I will learn on this life's journey with you. Please pray for me that I can focus on the promises that God has made to me and each of you. Pray that I can keep my eyes on Jesus.
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