A God Who Attends To Me

I just spent most of the last hour crying out in the stillness of my house. It is rare for me to have this quiet time in the morning but obviously God knew that I needed it this morning. There are just these days where I feel like nothing has changed, no good has come out of Brinley's loss. I question and fight, "Do I want this change? Do I want to be refined?" Thank you very much God, but NO!
I read voraciously the stories of people who have suffered great loss and come through it changed and somehow better than before. I guess that part of me just longs to skip over the hard parts and get to the part where I am somehow better than before.
Psalm 66:10-12
"For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
But you brought us out to rich fullfillment."

There it was right in God's word for me this morning. He is testing me and I am promised that I will be refined and brought to rich fulfillment in the end. I will get there I guess it just feels so very far away and out of reach. Sometimes I feel like a part of me started this blog so that I could encourage others that they can get there. How naive I was because truly I just need that encouragement myself.

When Seasons Change

The leaves are turning here Brinley, our first Fall without you. We are taking family pictures next week in these lovely colors and you will not be in them. I feel like God just spoke to me in this moment that the colors will be lovely in the pictures and they will serve as a reminder for us of you. I have been hoping that the trees will be beautiful. Now I have my confirmation. Looking back I can see how God has been faithful in those confirmations to me. Nathaniel was a boy just like he told me. The Spring was beautiful to remind me of the beauty in your life and that I would have beauty in my life even after your death too. And now I feel like I have been promised beautiful Autumn colors to grace our family pictures to remember that your life goes on Brinley. I miss you girl. I love you and as much as I wish you were here I know that God is using this to prepare our family for eternity just like He promised me shortly after your death.
On a different note God has been revealing to me lately that as bad as I think my circumstances might be at any given time there are still others with fresher pain, with harder trials, and some who don't even rely on the Lord to be on their side when the bottom falls out.
If you haven't found this blog: www.confessionsofacfhusband.com
I hope that you will check it out. They have been heavy on my heart lately.