I just spent most of the last hour crying out in the stillness of my house. It is rare for me to have this quiet time in the morning but obviously God knew that I needed it this morning. There are just these days where I feel like nothing has changed, no good has come out of Brinley's loss. I question and fight, "Do I want this change? Do I want to be refined?" Thank you very much God, but NO!
I read voraciously the stories of people who have suffered great loss and come through it changed and somehow better than before. I guess that part of me just longs to skip over the hard parts and get to the part where I am somehow better than before.
"For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
But you brought us out to rich fullfillment."
There it was right in God's word for me this morning. He is testing me and I am promised that I will be refined and brought to rich fulfillment in the end. I will get there I guess it just feels so very far away and out of reach. Sometimes I feel like a part of me started this blog so that I could encourage others that they can get there. How naive I was because truly I just need that encouragement myself.