I did not catch my 8 month old boy making his way toward the dog food and stealthily putting a few pieces in his mouth...
Even worse than that I did not about lose it when I walked into the front room to find said 8 month old sitting next to some puppy poo, of which I was completely unaware of under the dining room table. I will leave the rest up to your imagination!
I did not drive around aimlessly in the car after putting my 5 year old on the bus because it was too cold and I was too lazy to get the two younger ones out of the car and into their respective beds... it was nap time anyway!
I'm sure I'll add more as I think of them. Or maybe I'll just save them for next week. I don't want to risk getting some sort of trophy for "world's worst mother."
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Missing Brinley is always there. It will always be a part of me, I'm told that won't change. What causes me to miss her does change from week to week. I can't narrow down what it has been these past few weeks... maybe the weather changing, maybe the holidays quickly approaching. Part of me does get worked up over the idea that she won't be here our family's favorite time of year. But then there is this other part of me that is so pragmatic. If I can bear losing my child, birthing my son, Haley's birthday, my birthday and anniversary all in the same month, I can get through any other day- even Christmas. What I am not looking forward to are all of the family dynamics that don't subside during the death of a child much less the holidays. Pray for me that I am able to extend grace to people that I don't want to extend grace to!
So what else is new? We have taken Haley back to her grief support group. She is doing as well as a five year old can be expected I guess. We were experiencing her needing time to grieve and it would come up at places like church service. During worship songs I would look over and see her crying. She says that she remembers and misses Brinley most during the music. How excruciating it is to watch my child hurt, but at the same time what a blessing that she remembers Brinley best in that moment of worship.
Corinne is growing and reminding us so much of her big sister. Sometimes she acts so much like her that it is hard for me to remember Brinley as Brinley and to distinguish Corinne as a different person with her own unique personality. Corinne is at an age that Brinley will forever be in our hearts. There are new things that she is doing that are so very endearing to her father and me. We spent so much time talking about the presidential election in our home that she can even say Barack Obama. Although it sounds more like, "Bawka Bawka." Watching her two year old personality unfold has caused some heartache but so much more joy.
Nathaniel is a boy after my own heart. I have to admit that I was so angry with God for His timing when he was born. Angry that I didn't have that happy newborn time that I felt that I was entitled to. I know that he was a part of God's plan to keep our family moving forward. Apparently another part of that plan was to keep us busy and preoccupied with him as the kid has been very mobile since six months!
I have also been feeling this pressing need to honor Brinley's memory in some way. We have always had a heart for adoption and more and more the idea just seems so fitting. In a way I think that God made room in our family for a child who needs a home. My husband and I are embarking on the path to adoption. I can't tell you how excited I am that we are on the same page about this.
So that is where my family is right now. We are still hurting but living more in light of eternity. The economy is a bust and it seems to me like as a nation we are morally corrupt but I'm not scared. The end goal is at the forefront of my mind... it is so clear and I can hardly wait for the spectacular finish. In the missing of my girl I can't wait for heaven to come!
On a side note, I just wanted to thank the few of you who do read this blog for the encouraging comments. I am so thankful for the prayers that you lift up on our behalf.