Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Missing

  Missing Brinley is always there. It will always be a part of me, I'm told that won't change. What causes me to miss her does change from week to week. I can't narrow down what it has been these past few weeks... maybe the weather changing, maybe the holidays quickly approaching. Part of me does get worked up over the idea that she won't be here our family's favorite time of year. But then there is this other part of me that is so pragmatic. If I can bear losing my child, birthing my son, Haley's birthday, my birthday and anniversary all in the same month, I can get through any other day- even Christmas. What I am not looking forward to are all of the family dynamics that don't subside during the death of a child much less the holidays. Pray for me that I am able to extend grace to people that I don't want to extend grace to!
  So what else is new? We have taken Haley back to her grief support group. She is doing as well as a five year old can be expected I guess. We were experiencing her needing time to grieve and it would come up at places like church service. During worship songs I would look over and see her crying. She says that she remembers and misses Brinley most during the music. How excruciating it is to watch my child hurt, but at the same time what a blessing that she remembers Brinley best in that moment of worship.
  Corinne is growing and reminding us so much of her big sister. Sometimes she acts so much like her that it is hard for me to remember Brinley as Brinley and to distinguish Corinne as a different person with her own unique personality. Corinne is at an age that Brinley will forever be in our hearts. There are new things that she is doing that are so very endearing to her father and me. We spent so much time talking about the presidential election in our home that she can even say Barack Obama. Although it sounds more like, "Bawka Bawka." Watching her two year old personality unfold has caused some heartache but so much more joy.
  Nathaniel is a boy after my own heart. I have to admit that I was so angry with God for His timing when he was born. Angry that I didn't have that happy newborn time that I felt that I was entitled to. I know that he was a part of God's plan to keep our family moving forward. Apparently another part of that plan was to keep us busy and preoccupied with him as the kid has been very mobile since six months!
  I have also been feeling this pressing need to honor Brinley's memory in some way. We have always had a heart for adoption and more and more the idea just seems so fitting. In a way I think that God made room in our family for a child who needs a home. My husband and I are embarking on the path to adoption. I can't tell you how excited I am that we are on the same page about this.
  So that is where my family is right now. We are still hurting but living more in light of eternity. The economy is a bust and it seems to me like as a nation we are morally corrupt but I'm not scared. The end goal is at the forefront of my mind... it is so clear and I can hardly wait for the spectacular finish. In the missing of my girl I can't wait for heaven to come!
  On a side note, I just wanted to thank the few of you who do read this blog for the encouraging comments. I am so thankful for the prayers that you lift up on our behalf.


Amanda in RI said...

I love the new picture in your blog header.

You're right, the missing doesn't go away. It does change though. I don't claim to know exactly what you're going through--my Abigail died just 2 hours after she was born, and she was my first child. I don't think I truly knew what we were missing until our son arrived the next year.

I'm so very sorry for the grief that you're feeling, not just missing your precious Brinley, but watching your older daughter grieve. I can't imagine how much it hurts.

Praying blessings on your family as you embark on the journey of adoption. Several friends of mine have adopted, and it is every bit the miracle that birth is!

The Morris Family said...

What a beautiful and adorable daughter , all of them!!! I wish there was something I could do to help and fix us but I think we are permanently changed,and less whole, yet God is amazingly helping, comforting, giving me life and hope through the scriptures. His grace is so real as I can not even imagine going through such without Him. I guess by and through his grace we learn to press on. It is this time of year that is so hard for me as when it was all happening and the days are so vivid as what we were doing. There are many things in my heart that really has changed for the better, yet in my selfish, sinful way I had rather have my Joel.I will say to you and your hurting heart that the Lord is True and Faithful and His words are
a salve to the wound. May the Lord under gird your heart and family as you walk through the valley....there is a river that flows from the throne and its full of all we need....
Thinking of you!! and thanks for stopping by, keep in touch!!

Annabelle said...

I have read your blog...I have been touched in so many ways through it. Know that I'm there for you...I may not always comment, but I will read. If ever my presence is too much, I will back away from reading. I am praying for you always! If there is anything you ever to get out...whatever you need, you know how to get a hold of me!