Sunday, January 11, 2009

I'm workin' on it

It has been brought to my attention that I have never even mentioned my own name on my blog! Although I will always be Brinley's mama, I go by another name too. So I finally figured out how to make a signature! Now if only I could get around to figuring out how to make a button! It is on my "to do" list but not imperative as with so many things in my life now.
I was talking to a very dear friend of mine this morning. She spent a lot of time on me in the weeks and months after Brinley died. She listened to my deepest hurts, my anger, my rambling for as long and as often as I needed. In those early days one of my biggest fears was that my grief would be overwhelming to others. Yet she knew how to listen without judgement mostly because she spent time in the same boat that I am in. She lost her sweet girl the same year I welcomed my Brinley into this world. I did not know this girl before my own tragedy although I vaguely remember praying for her when the news of her loss was put on our prayer chain at church. I do remember praying for this sweet family and being so very thankful for mine. Who knew our paths would one day cross? Four different people asked her to contact me and I have a feeling that The Holy Spirit nudged her in my direction too. I'm so thankful that she listened.
When we spoke again this morning I was telling her about a recent book that I have read by Beth Moore, "Get Out of That Pit." This book spoke so much to me after losing Brinley. She directly addresses that sometimes we are just thrown into these deep pits. Not by anything that we have done or not done- just by life and Satan working so hard in this fallen world. She commented that we should make no mistake that the people who are thrown into these pits work daily just to climb out and then stay out. My first response in those early days was, "Hallelujah! There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, and God will restore me one day. I won't feel this despair forever!" However then I let satan work his way in somehow. Fighting to stay out of this pit? Seems a little daunting that I might have to do that for the rest of my life. What I want to know is: Will this struggle remain? This struggle to climb out of the pit? I am ten months into this grief thing and sometimes it still feels like I am at the bottom of the pit. Other times it feels like I have reached the top but I'm just clinging. I'm ok with this for a time but will it be this difficult forever? Will it always be a struggle to make that choice to stay out of the pit?


Annabelle said...

*hugs* Honey, I know you struggle, I'm sorry, I wish I could do or say something to make the pain go away. I hurt with you.

I have no idea who you are referring to...I'm racking my brain, but I think this all happened before I started going to the church...maybe.

You know how to get in touch with me when you need me. Oh, and I said I would work on your button...sorry, I haven't gotten around to it!

Christy said...

Thanks for stopping by today. I can't imagine your grief. I do think God is preparing me somehow for the day we won't have our little angel by providing precious people who have traveled that path before me. I can relate to your feeling of clinging to the edge. It's so hard watching your baby girl suffer through such a horrific disease as Emma is doing. Of course I don't understand, but I know God is carrying me...if not, I think I would have lost my mind by now. Thank you for sharing.

The Morris Family said...

It is a very deep pit, but His abounding grace and mercy is higher, wider, deeper than any pain or hurt we know. Sometimes I still just fall in and seek to climb back out, I read a verse the other day and Jesus said to the impotent man to "Rise, take up thy bed and walk." I think it is something we will seek to do as long as we are on this earth. I will by his grace keep will too!!
Cindy (Joel's mommy forever!!)

Anonymous said...

coming out of lurkdom to say I'm praying for you. do you know about Sumi? her blog is i read her blog. god bless. Ellen

Amanda in RI said...

It gets easier. I'm thirteen years into this journey (how is THAT possible!?!), and it's much easier now than in those first few years.


Danielle Holsapple said...

Your last few sentences could have been written by me...i totally feel that way, too. (HUGS)

and would you mind sharing how you made your signature! :)